


Idle Hands Are The Devil's Workshop

by orphan_account



Category: Kingsman (Movies), Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014), Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Just bros being bros, M/M, Masturbation, Poor Merlin, cheeky tactical wank, kingsman more like KINKSMAN am i right?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?1111one, why do my fics always have a joke about cats in them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 12:16:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11646387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Lancelot is bored on a mission and wants to see if he can annoy Merlin (with a little assistance from Harry, of course.)





	Idle Hands Are The Devil's Workshop

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gayhoneyboob](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayhoneyboob/gifts).



> written for a prompt given to me by my loving wife, to whom this work is gifted. this is the first kingsman fic ive written even though i've seen the film like 100 times probably so sorry if it isn't very good!

Merlin was a dick. A complete and utter dick. A dickier dick had never dicked in the history of dicks; of this James was certain. 

Exhibit A: James Spencer, A.K.A Lancelot, liked to pride himself on the fact that he was a world class spy, the likes of which James Bond himself would fall at the feet of. So why did Merlin feel it necessary to assign Harry and him to such a dull mission? Why did _they_ have to be the ones to protect some eccentric billionaire's cat (His Imperial and Royal Majesty Napoleon) because he was convinced an uprising had taken place amongst the mice residing in his walls, with a subsequent assassination attempt on Napoleon's life highly probable. The answer to those questions was simple: Merlin was a dick. 

Lying on his front and absentmindedly petting Napoleon, the realisation that James had quite possibly never been this bloody bored in his life dawned upon him. He wasn't sure whether he could take it, quite frankly. If something exciting didn't happen soon, he might just lose his mind. There had to be some way to exact revenge on Merlin for this. He would need Harry to get in on it though, and to do that he would have to find a way to communicate without speaking so Merlin could not overhear their scheming. And so, James pulled out pen and paper and scribbled down his plans, passing it back and forth to Harry, who was on the other side of Napoleon. 

"Oh, Harry, you can't do that here. Not while we're working!" James feigned breathy shock, speaking clearly and loudly enough that he knew Merlin's attention would be piqued.

"Hush James," Harry began sternly, "I can see that the thrill of getting caught excites you."

James heard Merlin splutter on the other end and smirked. _Good_ , he thought to himself, _I hope he chokes on his tea_. 

"Harry," James moaned, "anything excites me when you do _that_ with your tongue." 

James needed to make this believable - the only logical solution was to have a cheeky wank. Harry wouldn't mind, surely? It was entirely necessary, of course. As a Kingsman, he was trained in all sorts of trickery, but the noises he needed to make where nigh impossible to get right unless one truly was experiencing something to illicit them. And if he happened to think about Harry while he was doing it, it couldn't be helped. Still, James couldn't help but feel a little guilty as he moaned and brought himself to the edge. 

"You're such a slut James," Harry's voice wavered slightly, "come undone for me." 

That was all it took for James, and in a matter of moments he was shuddering his release with a choked sob - and fuck, these were his favourite trousers too. Oh well, it was worth it. Besides, it certainly wouldn't be the first time the dry cleaners had to remove a questionable substance from his clothing.

He was even more confident that it was definitely worth it when, upon his and Harry's return to HQ, Merlin pointedly looked anywhere but at James, and promised never to send him on a mission that _'didn't fully occupy his time'_ ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> also im not sure whether using a bible quote for the title of a fic containing a 'cheeky tactical wank' is entirely proper and i hope an omniscient god might choose to overlook this. forgive me


End file.
